THE I.R.N. ANSWER -- Vol 4, #2 A N S W E R S T O T H E I. R. N. Q U E S T I O N ---------------------------------------------------------- "Who the hell do you think you are, anyway?" Volume 004, Number 002 January 25, 1994 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "- all the gnus that have fits to Prince -" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- LETTER FROM THE EDITOR As always, things have gotten off to a rather bizarre start. This may not be immediately obvious to any of you, as you cannot see what I am wearing while typing this. -- ASRDW1 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- FROM -- ACAD2A::ASFJP "Irrev. George W. Hayduke" In his most recent query, Mr. Williams concerns himself with just who in the hell I think I am, anyway. Allow me to answer: I am the Irreverend George Washington Hayduke, pastor of the Dobbs- Approved(tm) Negative First AntiSchism of Fill-In-The-Blank, Ltd, Discordian SubGenius. We all know that Connie Dobbs and Eris are one in the same. For more information, send $1 to PO box 140306, Dallas, TX, 75214. "We figured that if Jim Jones could get 900 people to kill themselves, that we could get 900 people to send us a dollar." -- Rev. Ivan Stang For information on the local Clench, send a buck three-eighty to Geo. W. Hayduke, PO box 232251, Anchorage AK 99523-2251, or kill me. Ranters needed for upcoming Devival. Pope Dr. Dr. (Mr. M.D.) David N. Meyer III, M.D., D.D.S., Pope of All New York, Idaho, and the Great Pacific Northwest is a bit pricey, you see. I imagine St. tENTATIVELY, a cONVENIENCE could be had cheap, if he remembered to show up. St. Janor Hypercleats would be fun to sneak into an Anchorage Fascist Temple service at some point. "It's Christ without a penis. He's part of the conspiracy." -- Prof. Mark Mothersbaugh R: The weirdest thing here is that, despite the fact that it sounds exactly like something George would make up, the whole damn thing is true. FROM -- ACAD2A::ASBAM "the Gothic Gopher" Uh... erm... well.... I don't know -- let me check. Is that okay? $ write sys$output f$trnlnm(f$user()) God Gee, Royce. I guess I'm God. Imagine that, huh? [I'm not insecure -- I'm computer dependent.] R: So, how did you get the VAX to output lower-case usernames? ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL ONE OVER ON ME, MR. GOD?!? Unfortunately, Bryan, your computer cannot declare you as a dependent for income tax reasons, once again pointing out that just because it's true doesn't mean that the IRS has to believe you. FROM -- ACAD2A::ASLJL "The Lady Rhavyn Of The Art" Who the hell do I think I am ? Well first, I don't believe in hell as it was a christian creation and I am not christian. Each to their own beliefs and each to their own heaven or hell in their religion. As for who I think I am? Well if I am in the university, I am a social security number in the computer and money to be taken and spent and lost! Otherwise? I have absolutely no idea who I am. I am simply just me. Rhavyn R: I'd rather have everybody in the same hell. Hell just wouldn't be as excruciating if Rod Remily weren't there. Oh, and Scott Baio, of course. FROM -- ACAD2A::PSALP "Tag Team" Tag Team, who else? R: Sounds like one of your multiple-personalities has been making you skip Econ to watch "World Wrestling Federation." I've heard of wrestling with your conscience, but sheesh! Get a hold on yourself. (Sorry, couldn't let that one go by) FROM -- ACAD3A::RXHELP "The Prophet" I'm Tharak Thraxxian, the OverLord. I glide through the nets. All that is electronic is mine to survey. Mine to control. Here, I am a God. So remember this, mortal. Knowledge is power. And here, mine is the infinite power... R: This is where the Skeletor danger music starts up, right? FROM -- ACAD2A::ISDPO "Caffiene Man" Who are you? Good question....we may have to consult the experts. As per Erikson's Identity v. Role Confusion: "To understand who you are, you must first ascertain what you are. For example, are you vegetable, mineral, or animal? Of the college students I have met, most are vegetable, especially on the weekends. However, some can be labelled mineral, judging from the density of the individual. And a few are animal (See also: Fraternities). After a selection has been made as to the "what", you may continue on to the "who". This is one of the more important crises for an individual to go through, and must be worked out as quickly as possible, or the individual will have intense headaches and a chronic craving for Neapolitan ice cream for the rest of his or her natural lives. Fortunately, we offer mass testing which can decipher who you are for you. What would you pay for such testing at your local college? But wait, that's not all. You will also receive a life-size poster of Sigmund Freud AND the new video-ginsu 3000: It'll cut through a titanium safe and still be able to tape Oprah. Now what would you pay? $10? $20? $50? NO, you will pay $697.95 plus shipping and handling. That's right! Supply is limited, so order today." R: Well, there goes my idea for next week's question. FROM -- ACAD2A::ASDRT "Born-Again Coward" The little man who wasn't there. R: What kind of alibi is that? How is that going to hold up in court? "Where were you on the night of October 17th?" "Well .. I was ... uh ..." "Yes?" "I wasn't there." (extended pause) "No further questions, Your Honor." "But wait! The little man in my pants wants to answer the question!" "Your Honor, I move that the little man in the defendants pants be stricken from the record due to insufficient evidence." Then it just decays into a big fight about phallic homunculi and everybody gets bored and goes home. Happens every week on Wapner. FROM -- ACAD2A::ASTJM1 "Equalizer" I think I are not meself today, Laddy! R: Is there any previous record of people being possessed by Star Trek characters? If you were possessed by Spock, would you projectile-vomit green salads? FROM -- ACAD3A::ASJLH "Ivan Tsarevich" The Unapologetic Virgin R: Being in love means never having to say you're sorry. Being sorry means never having to be in love. Not being in love means never having to be sore. Loving a being means never having to hold seances for sex. Beaming lovers into concrete walls is a great way to relax. Saying "I'm in love" means never having to be sorry you're Scott Baio. FROM -- ACAD2A::ASSBC "Panda Kahn" "I am", I said to no one there. But no one heard at all, not even the Royce. R: If a Scott falls in the forest, and no one is there to hear it, who has to carry the picnic basket home? And "The Royce" -- is that like "The Fonz" ? Or more like "The Terminator" ? FROM -- ACAD3A::FSJJP "I'm Corwin and so is He" Who the hell do I think I am ??? Who the hell are you !!!!!! R: Um, lessee ... +WHO ASRDW1 %ERR-GREP-TOAD, insufficient privilege for attempted hubris Attempting to reconcile net access ... Spawning to COMPAQ DOS Version 3.3 ... Connecting (492.173.5412) ... Welcome to node SPOCK on MIT VAXCluster RAGNAROK login: ************** Invalid login login: ********* Invalid login login: *********** Third invalid login, tracing net connect to source for user purge ... ^C ignored ^Y ignored LOGOFF ignored Ctrl-Alt-Del ignored disconnection of modem to phone line ignored disconnection of power to computer ignored reworking of motherboard with baseball bat ignored ... ... ... Trace complete . initiating user purge pleas for mercy ignored loud screaming ignored squishy sound ignored I guess some things are better left unanswered. FROM -- ACAD2A::ASGDS "......Pooh Styxx" Hmmmm, Veeeery Interesting. Ze patient is showink signs of Hostility perhaps it is time to cut his lithium with a low-level dossage of LSD. Zis should, if nossing produce zome amuzink results! ALso, increase his electro-loofa therapy to seven times a day nurse Jones. G: I dissagree doctore I think the lithium should be replaced by a low-level dossage of LSD. And that the patient should be strapped, naked, to the floor spread-eagled face up. At which point cream should be poured over his body and a dozen cats be allowed to lick it off! R: Sounds like Geoff's been spending too much time hanging around at the animal shelter. "No, I'm sorry, sir, but adoption of cats is limited to three per customer per day ... you have to go home now .... Yes, sir, I understand that you're lonely ... no, sir, there isn't anything I can do ... no, sir, we are not allowed to accept bribes, and I should like to point out that offering to share isn't much of an incentive for me ... no, really, it's disgusting ... what? ... well ... what time?" FROM -- ACAD2A::FSKJT "Tam Lin" i really have no idea. perhaps what is more appropriate than who. R: Oh. FROM -- ACAD2A::ASBWC "Brady Clark - UAA Math/CS Dept." I am every pen you have ever lost. I am the missing bits from the dial-up problems of recent weeks. I am countless hair bands. I am Jimmy Hoffa. I am Joe Vogler. I am the missing link, and I have taught my parrot to recite all of Ross Perot's speeches. Expect him in your windowsill soon. R: Ndck-deep in the strebm of conscjousness/ are we? FROM -- ACAD2A::FSCLH "the deranged bi queenie" hmm.. such an intersting question.. i'm suprised you don't know.. *I* am the supreme deity.... i'm the top dog.. the one above all others... higher than the deity of dogs or cats or computers or money.. hmm.. that reminds me.... i need to have a talk with this lower deity 'god' he's just causing way too much trouble... he really should watch how he lets people throw his name around... *sigh* my work is never done.. R: If you would like to write to him personally about it, his username is ASBAM and it's weird, but he seems to think that HE is in charge. (see RAGNAROK) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ANSWERS FROM THE PREVIOUS WEEK'S (yeah, right) I.R.N. QUESTION: ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Where am I?" FROM -- ACAD2A::ASSPK "The Console Cowboy" We've all been asking that same question. Where exactly is Royce? Well, obviously the popular rumor of his death was greatly exagerated. Sad truly, I had heard that they were going to Saint him. Oh well, I guess we will have to just suffice with unsaintly Royce instead. I believe that Royce is Sam's evil twin and has been secretly lurking around campus doing all the things that have caused the huge influx of Sam sightings on campus. People have been seeing him everywhere. Some people even claim to have received e-mail from him. I was sure, that I saw Sam yesterday surrounded by this unearthly glow, like from beyond the grave, while destroying a tv, that was busy displaying original Star Trek shows, with a sledge hammer....hmmmm Well, maybe it was really Sam after all, and not Royce....I'm still not quite convinced though. Sam is everywhere...(didn't they make a song about this recently?) R: For anyone else who has experienced a WSS (Weird Sam Sighting), you can join the official WSS organization, WHT (What the Hell was THAT?, pronounced "whut.") For your official "newsletter", just send $0 to WHT? c/o John Schumacher the Younger The Informal Resource Network 7018 44th Avenue NE Olympia, WA 98516 Please enclose a SASE, as our President is a college student.