Well, how weird ARE you, anyway? How about the Penn & Teller web site? (How weird am I? Well, I first saw these guys in a San Francisco review called "Asparagus. . .")

Headline in Vernal, Utah, newspaper: METHAMPHETAMINE BILL SPEEDS THROUGH SENATE

Okay, admit it: You always WANTED to visit the Dr. Seuss Website! (Due to questions of copyright infringement, The Cat in the Hat has been banished from our site, never to return. . .)

When I saw this dancer in an animation gallery, I thought she looked familiar. . . . Wait! Isn't that the holographic hypnoshell used by those sneaky aliens in Duke Nukem 3D?! Why, yes! It IS!! (Well, hey, why did you think I've been wasting so much time at the computer?) DukeNuke junkies should visit the Best Duke Nukem Site , where you can download maps, patches, the shareware version---even the Nukem family tree. (Yep. . . I've DEFINITELY got to get a life. . . .)

We are thankful there are those who DON'T have a life, because they spend their idle hours playing computer games and telling us where to find all the @#$!! SECRET STUFF. . . try the C/NET Game Center for guides to Duke and Quake, among others. Slow to load, for some reason.

I do not vouch for their truth or accuracy---yeah, yeah, yeah, this guy strapped a JATO bottle to his Chevelle, see, and---but you know, I kind of HOPE they're true. . .

• 45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to the police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

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• Portsmouth, R.l. Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he (1) fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and (2) later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.

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• Karen Lee Joachimmi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chain saw, which was not plugged in.

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• The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walk away.

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• David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I., after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.

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• The Belgium news agency, Belga, reported in November that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have done it, "because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time." Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.

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• Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because of a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.

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• Dave so-and-so of Anniston, Alabama, was injured recently after he attempted to replace a tubelike fuse in his Chevy pickup with a 22-caliber rifle bullet (used because it was a perfect fit). However, when electricity heated the bullet, it went off and shot him in the knee.

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The author is solely responsible for the contents of these pages and the opinions expressed herein. You may address suggestions, comments, and criticism to Satch Carlson, PO Box 113087, Anchorage, AK 99511-3087 USA.