10.25.98
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She couldn't -do- anything. She couldn't write, she couldn't play, she couldn't even come up with anything to do instead of her preferred options. She sucked, she couldn't write, she was stupid and fat and ugly and hairy and no one was ever going to love her.

Why should she? She was a bitch, a stupid little crappy wanna-be who couldn't be sexy to save her life. Who was she kidding? She couldn't even hold a steady job... She always lost it, some how.

She hated herself. What self-respecting human being looked like this? No fucking tits, way too much ass, and so freakish that she'd occasionally considered selling the opportunity to touch her face for five bucks a pop. Hell, it'd make her a pile a'money, if she'd wanted to.

Too damn _moral_, that was her problem. She didn't wanna dress up like a slut, not that she could, as she lacked all the most important slut-assets, like big breasts and little brains. She was one of those people that wanted to remain a virgin until marriage, but at the rate she was going, she was terribly tempted to just throw herself into bed with the first willing, warm body that showed any slight interest in her.

She was waiting for someone who'd love her as a person, who'd love her for -who she was- rather than what she fucking looked like. That was dammned pipe-dream, but she clung to it with the strength of a drowning man holding fast to a bit of debris. That was the only hope she had, really...

Fuck it. She wanted to play, she'd made arrangements with a friend to play, and now, now... Her friend wasn't there. Dammit! Not -fair-. She moped, she pouted, she reminded herself that the frigging time-change rendered her friend two hours... whatever the fucking hell it was, ahead or behind or whatever, and that Mitigating Circumstances could pop up from anywhere. Especially and particularly where her friend was concerned.

She knew all of that and she _still_ didn't feel better. Sigh.

And now her mother and brother were arguing. Great. Her mother didn't like Mel, but Josh did... She didn't like the -idea- of fairly impressionable Josh hanging out with Mel. She could just see Mel introducing Josh to marijuana, any number of alcoholic beverages, and other less-than-legal substances, and it scared her spitless. Actually, the thought that she could _lose_ Josh through Mel's carelessness (because Mel tended to do rash things) was what scared her, despite Josh's tendency to be level-headed... Shit. She did _NOT_ need this crap...

She wanted to cry, to have someone appear out of thin air, someone completely unrelated by blood or marriage and tell her that they loved her, and that everything was going to be all right... That was really what she wanted. Not money, not stardom, just the simple comfort of skin against skin and someone that at the very least -understood-...

Gods... That was so stereotypically angsty-teenagerish it was funny... Doubly so because she wasn't teenager any more. What a joke... That's what she was, a fucking joke. That was why other people laughed at her, because she was a joke... She wished she got herself, she'd like to laugh, too...